I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
