Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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