6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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