Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
