the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
