Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
