bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
