i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
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