the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
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