I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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