So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
