i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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