When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
