My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
if only i could text you this smell
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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