so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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