I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
