your parents love me but you hate me
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"