I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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