I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
