Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
