What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
