I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
