God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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