I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
