yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I need help removing her.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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