There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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