Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
