Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
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