I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize