haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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