today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Randomize
