Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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