best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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