i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
