When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
