Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
