Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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