i just wanna soil my oats bro
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
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The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
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Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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