He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
