Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
