He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
