I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
