i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
