i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
