I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
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Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
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We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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