I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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