OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
