You just made me feel so damn special
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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