Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
