JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
