kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
