What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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