im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
