her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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