pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
