I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
