I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
